Should You Stay with Someone Who Refuses to Work on Their Mental Health?

By Vee Vinci | Not Your Average Counsellor

Loving someone doesn’t shield you from the reality of their choices. You can care deeply for a partner, understand the pain they carry, and still feel overwhelmed by the impact of their untreated mental health struggles. Many people quietly sit with this dilemma, torn between compassion and the growing weight on their own wellbeing.

This isn’t about blame. It’s about honesty — and about recognising the emotional cost of carrying more than your fair share.

When Love Meets Resistance

People don’t avoid therapy because they don’t care. It’s usually rooted in fear, shame, stigma, trauma, feeling unworthy, or not knowing where to begin. Avoidance becomes a way to protect themselves — but the consequences often fall onto the partner left holding everything together.

There’s also a big difference between can’t and won’t.

• Can’t comes from fear, overwhelm, financial strain, or uncertainty.

• Won’t comes from denial, defensiveness, or a refusal to take responsibility.

When someone is stuck in “I’m not the problem,” change becomes nearly impossible — and the relationship feels heavier by the day.

The Emotional Toll on You

Carrying the emotional load alone turns you into the caretaker instead of the partner. Over time, resentment, burnout, and emotional fatigue creep in. You might notice yourself becoming anxious, disconnected, irritable, or simply tired in a way you can’t put into words.

This shift isn’t just difficult — it’s unsustainable.

Untreated mental health issues don’t stay in one part of the relationship. They spill into communication, intimacy, parenting, conflict, routines, and future planning. You end up managing the fallout while your own wellbeing slowly erodes.

What You Are and Aren’t Responsible For

You are responsible for being supportive, compassionate, and understanding. You are not responsible for doing their emotional work, fixing their wounds, or sacrificing your wellbeing to keep the relationship together.

There’s a point where caring becomes self-abandonment — and only you can recognise when you’ve crossed that line.

Boundaries, Not Ultimatums

A lot of people fear setting boundaries because they don’t want to seem harsh. But boundaries are not threats — they’re clarity.

• An ultimatum is about control.

• A boundary is about protecting your own emotional health.

Saying, “I can’t continue like this without change,” isn’t manipulative. It’s honest. And it’s often the turning point where couples either grow together or grow apart.

Making the Hardest Decision

There’s no easy answer to whether you should stay or leave. What does matter is recognising that if nothing changes, nothing changes. To make the decision, reflect on:

• The impact on your mental health

• Your values

• What you’ve already tried

• What you need moving forward

• The limits you can no longer ignore

Staying can be an act of love — but so can leaving.

Both choices can be valid. Both can be brave.

You Need Support Too

Whether you stay or leave, you deserve your own space to process, reflect, and breathe. Therapy helps you regain clarity, strengthen your boundaries, untangle guilt from responsibility, and reconnect with the parts of you that have been surviving instead of living.

You cannot force someone to change. But you can change how you show up, what you accept, and what you choose for your own future.

Reflection Questions

• Am I more focused on their healing than my own wellbeing?

• Have I clearly communicated what I need, or am I hoping things will just get better on their own?

• If nothing changed over the next year, what would the emotional cost be?

If you need support in navigating this, therapy can help. You don’t have to figure it out alone. You can listen to the full episode on our podcast, or feel free to email me directly at vee@headquarterscounsellingservices.com.au. Let’s explore what’s right for you together.

Vee Vinci is the CEO of HeadQuarters Counselling Services, offering direct, down-to-earth guidance on relationships, career development, and personal growth. For more thought-provoking conversations on topics that matter, visit our website or subscribe to our podcast.