Is It Possible to Be Friends with an Ex?

Breaking up doesn't always mean cutting ties completely. Some people manage genuine friendships with former partners, while others find the idea impossible. After years of counselling people through post-relationship dynamics, I've seen both success stories and painful situations where "staying friends" caused more harm than good.

What Are We Really Talking About?

"Being friends" means different things to different people—from occasional polite check-ins to maintaining close, supportive relationships. The question isn't just whether friendship is possible, but what kind of connection you're actually looking for.

Why Keep the Connection?

People stay connected with exes for various reasons:

• You were mates before dating

• Your history still holds value

• There are practical considerations (shared friends, children)

• The breakup was genuinely amicable

But the crucial question remains: Just because you can stay friends, should you?

The Essential First Step

Before attempting friendship, both of you need to honestly answer: Am I truly over the relationship?

Lingering romantic feelings, resentment, or regret can turn a "friendship" into something unhealthy. If either person still harbours feelings, you're not building a friendship—you're holding onto the past.

When It Actually Works

Post-breakup friendships succeed when:

• Both people have genuinely moved on

• The relationship was built on companionship more than passion

• Clear boundaries are established and respected

• Neither person secretly hopes for reconciliation

A prime example is couples who successfully co-parent. They've redefined their relationship with clear boundaries. Without these boundaries, you risk becoming "exes with benefits" with blurred lines. Let's be honest—friends don't have sex; lovers do. Don't blur the lines.

When Friendship Is Harmful

Staying connected causes more pain than good when:

• One person secretly hopes to get back together

• Seeing your ex move on triggers jealousy

• The "friendship" keeps you from moving forward

• Maintaining contact feels like an obligation rather than a choice

If staying friends keeps you emotionally stuck, the healthiest path forward might be creating distance, not preserving proximity.

The Impact on New Relationships

Consider how friendship with an ex affects new partners. Transparency is essential—be upfront about maintaining these connections. But also ask yourself: Would you be comfortable if your new partner maintained close ties with their ex? If not, you might need to reconsider your own situation.

Boundaries Are Non-Negotiable

The foundation of any healthy ex-friendship is clear boundaries:

• No revisiting romantic memories or "what ifs"

• Keep physical and emotional intimacy appropriate

• Respect each other's new relationships

If these boundaries can't be maintained, friendship probably isn't the right choice.

Timing Matters

One of the biggest mistakes is rushing into friendship. I often say, "Sometimes you need to say goodbye before you can say hello." Give yourself time apart to process emotions and gain clarity about what you truly want.

Watch for These Red Flags

Your friendship isn't healthy if:

• Your ex becomes your emotional fallback

• You feel stuck, unable to move forward

• One of you uses the friendship as leverage

• The power dynamic is unbalanced due to lingering feelings

The Middle Ground: Civility

If friendship isn't possible, you don't need to be enemies. Being civil—especially in shared social circles or co-parenting situations—allows both of you to move forward without unnecessary tension. You don't need forced closeness, but you also don't need to carry resentment.

Final Thoughts

Is friendship with an ex possible? It depends on your emotional readiness, the nature of your breakup, and whether the connection supports your growth or keeps you anchored to the past.

Remember this: Your emotional wellbeing matters more than preserving a connection that no longer serves you. Sometimes the bravest thing isn't holding on—it's knowing when to let go.

---

Vee Vinci is the CEO of HeadQuarters Counselling Services, offering direct, down-to-earth guidance on relationships, career development, and personal growth. For more thought-provoking conversations on topics that matter, visit our website or subscribe to our podcast.